I offer counselling for the Aylesbury, Buckinghamshire area – within easy reach of Wendover and Princes Risborough. 

INfrequently Asked Questions

Questions you might like the answers to, but maybe didn’t know you could ask.

What are feelings for?

The theory I work with is that there are four core human feelings and that they are there to help us solve problems. Anger is thought to be about reacting to damage that has been done to us. Sadness is about working through loss. Fear is about motivating us to prevent damage being done to us in the future.

And, wonderfully, Joy. Joy is a ‘no change needed here, no problems to solve’ enjoyment of the here and now living moment. Joy can also motivate us to want to share our experience with others.

Do feelings hurt?

Our feelings of anger, fear, sadness and joy can feel overwhelming, threatening to engulf us like a wave but they are not physical pain. We breathe through them and we live on. They may feel like a bewildering universe just under the surface of our lives but our feelings are part of us.

We’re encouraged to keep calm and carry on but the more we try and push our feelings down, the more they fight back, vying for our attention.

If we don’t know how to be with our feelings, recognise them and use them to gain insights into active problem solving in our lives, we might fear them instead.

We might spend our time and energy bullying ourselves with internal dialogue, so as not to feel our feelings, often with words and phrases that sound like a parent or care-giver. The word ‘should’ is a good clue here. Whose ‘should’ does it sound like?

Or we might use work, drink, drugs, food, or spending to push our feelings down or dull or zone them out. We think we’re treating ourselves, spending on ourselves, when we may be spending money on avoiding ourselves.

If we ignore our feelings, we might have to spend even more time, energy and money, pushing them down. How were feelings done in your family? Was anger the only one done? Or sadness? Or fear? How did people do joy?

Can we change other people?

No. And I think this can save alot of time, effort and money.

Sometimes people come into counselling to change others in their lives. Maybe their parents or their partners. It is true that if we are different with people they may react differently with us. But how they are with themselves, us or others, is still down to them.

Sometimes people come into counselling to please or appease others and I don’t think this ever really works.

Is it hard?

At times yes. Counselling is not an easy option. I think it’s about timing in your life.

I believe it takes a gnarly courage, curiosity and openess to own your own part in your patterns of thinking, feeling and behaving that don’t work for you anymore.

And if the end result is a better, deeper, more compassionate connection and understanding of you and others in your life in the world, you may think it’s worth it.

If you feel ready you can contact me for a free initial meeting. 

If you are looking for a counsellor in the Aylesbury area – within easy reach of Wendover and Princes Risborough please call 07804 350 757 to speak to Paul.

Click here to contact me

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